A love relationship demands great ‘maintenance’ from both partners. It is not that effort is required only to improve a relationship. Effort is necessary even to maintain the relationship in status quo!

The common understanding is that love changes after the dating period and affection is on a decline. Why does it happen this way? The answer is actually very simple. The love and affection seem to be on a decline because the efforts put in are on a decline. In the dating phase, both partners go out of their way to keep the other happy and smiling and the efforts usually pay off. The promise of such happiness draws them both into solemn marital vows. Marriage is more often than not, the objective of the dating game and once it is achieved, there seem to be other objectives that occupy the partners and the relationship is left to languish.

And when this is brought to their notice, the excuses are almost clichéd. One does not have time for the relationship and one wonders as to what is the necessity of ‘maintenance’ when the partner already knows of his/her love. But this logic does not work. When one needs to keep aside regular time and energy for earning one’s daily bread, one needs to do the same to earn food for the soul - love - also. What finally matters is not how big a place you own in the bowels of earth but how big a place you have in the hearts of people.

Once the basic physical necessities are met, fulfillment comes for a person only emotionally and spiritually. When one works so much for physical and material comfort, how much more should one work for mental, emotional and spiritual fulfillment? And this kind of emotional and spiritual fulfillment arises only out of love. All things material come and go one day; it is only love that has the capacity to come and grow! Love is what makes the world go round. It is the most essential in your world too - whatever or wherever it may be.

And so, if one is really interested in investing for the future, one must invest in love and nurture a relationship. Here are some tips that will help.

1. Pay attention to what your partner likes. Learn his/her deepest desires and aspirations. See how each one can help the other in achieving the same.

2. If you cannot agree on everything, agree to disagree! Since the opinions and feelings can vary, the journey may get a bit longer with detours. That should not deter you for you will have company of your beloved in your journey and will never have to walk in life alone.

3. Learn to love unconditionally. Basically this means your love should be free from expectation. Do not do anything for your beloved with the aim of receiving the same. The very act should be its fruit!

4. Spend quality time with your partner. This means that you give yourself completely to him/her during that time. Keep aside work, worries, career and friends for that time. This shows that you value him/her.

5. Your partner may have some traits that you dislike or positively hate. Let not this dislike for the traits become a dislike for the partner. Learn to objectively separate the traits from the person.

6. Take decisions together. Show that you value the relationship. It is as important as actually valuing the relationship!

7. Do not think that since everything is known, you need not be expressive. Show your passion and love for your partner.

Like a plant that needs watering and care, sapling of love too needs attention and effort. Of course, once it grows, the effort needed will be less but still even the mightiest of trees need water, soil and protection. Let the seed of love grow into a mighty relationship tree. The fruits will only bring you more love!

Author: Rebecca Jones

Bio: Rebecca is a blogger by profession. She loves writing on Wireless Router Technology. Beside this she is fond of Gucci Wallets. These days she is busy in writing an article on Wedding Centerpiece Ideas.

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Special Guest Author: Magdalen Bowyer

It was almost 3 o’clock and the sun had broken through for the occasion. A perfect day for marrying the man of my dreams. Everyone in the cabin was dressed and ready. I turned to see my father examining me. “Do you really want to go through with this?” he asked. The question was completely unexpected and surprising. But even more surprising was an errant voice in my head that wanted to reply, “Actually, Dad, I’ve changed my mind. It’s been fun, but let’s get outta here!” That voice shocked me but was quickly suppressed. This was not the time for a dramatic change of heart. “Yes, Dad, I’m ready,” I said, smiling.

That was many years ago. A marriage to my dream guy. We intended to grow old together and had he lived, we’d be celebrating our 30th anniversary this summer. But he died in a car accident a month short of our fourth anniversary.

His death marked a turning point in my life and set me on a trajectory I could never have imagined. This is what I know: I’ve had a lifetime of learning in relationships and every goodbye has stretched me into the woman I’ve become. Relationships are deeply connected to our wellness as women. Some of us will learn to transform and sustain one relationship over a lifetime. Others will learn through more than one relationship, more than one marriage. If a marriage ends, it doesn’t spell failure. It may even be a kind of success. You’d probably rather not hear this now, but I feel it’s essential you understand that you are about to test and challenge all that you’ve been taught about love, relationships and marriage. In the process, you will face what it means for you, who you think you are and who you want to be.

In my own life I’ve learned that women haven’t had the mentors we need to connect with our own feminine power. Yet it is this vital connection that determines our wellness, which is the foundation upon which we build our relationships and our lives. And at the heart of this vital connection is learning how to develop a level of self-responsibility.

A year before my first marriage, I graduated from high school and was chosen by my classmates to give the valedictory speech. When I read that speech now, I’m curious about the certainty I held about my life’s purpose. The basic plot of my life was to have love find me and then I could rest, knowing I would be cared for. It was a fantasy of passivity. My journey would end and begin at the altar. But that was not to be. Little did I know then I would be challenged over and over again to rewrite the script of my life until I became aware of a crucial fact: I would have to be the author of my own story. And until I was, love would never find me for long.

False notions of love teach us that when we find it in another person we’ll be in constant bliss. The larger narratives in my life had led me to believe that when the right man found me, I would be relieved of the worries of day-to-day maintenance. Then I would be free to turn my attention to my intellectual and artistic abilities. The relief I felt on my first wedding day was momentarily overshadowed by the question my father asked me because that question hinted at something, a longing I was suppressing. I wanted to be independent and free. But it was a longing I quelled. I let myself be pulled into marriage before I had fully claimed myself because I feared that without a man, I’d be isolated and insecure.

Where did this misapprehension come from? From the family and the society in which I was raised. It’s a loving culture, but it’s a very masculine one, oriented around the woman as caregiver, and the man as provider, decision-maker and usually, the focus of attention. The woman is expected to be nurturing, self-less and ready to serve.

It’s helpful to see the context of our own social conditioning. We can then understand where we’ve come from and choose where we want to be. At the age of 38, after three marriages and finding myself the mother of two sons, I realized I could no longer place pleasing others above my own self-development. I had to take a stand. And here’s the great irony: I now know that in doing so, in caring for myself, I was actually stepping into my capacity to care for the whole world.

The practice of love takes time. That’s a challenge in our society as we are supported and trained in the distracting process of accumulation, which tells us if we get all the right things (partner, lifestyle, etc.) we’ll be happy. In contrast, love as a process starts with oneself. It demands we ask ourselves big questions about who we are, what we want, and what we have to contribute. Aristotle had a wonderful word for destiny. He called it entelechy, the magnetic force that draws us into our life’s purpose.

More often than not, females are taught how to give the basic care that is part of the practice of love: how to show empathy and how to listen. Not often enough are we taught to be honest with ourselves about our deepest passions. Listening is more than hearing others; listening is also hearing our inner voice.

As a young woman, I didn’t know how to distinguish my passion for the love of a man from my own life’s potential. I didn’t know how to follow and trust my enthusiasm. Yet whenever a marriage ended, I would decide to go back to school in some way. I see now that this hunger for scholarship was the way I deepened my relationship to myself. I was committed to understanding my entelechy. But I can’t help thinking the process would have been less painful had I listened to the voice of my soul at an earlier age.

The path to love is about embracing ourselves before we embrace someone else. We’re not taught this as females. As children, we’re taught to find our first love in the ‘other’. As a consequence, if we should not find this ideal relationship outside of ourselves, we may be hopelessly distracted from creating a flourishing life. In a way, we lose the roadmap to the self. And our most basic self is love.

Love is the work of the world. As Dr. Humberto Maturana teaches, it expands intelligence and empowers creativity. He writes, “love returns autonomy and, as it returns autonomy, it returns responsibility and the experience of freedom.” I liberated myself when I faced the disparity between what I desired and what I was choosing. “Passion doesn’t fade. It must be suppressed,” says Deepak Chopra. “We are enticed back into passion when we admit to having desires.”

Bell Hooks teaches that the female search for love is what life should be all about because demanding the ‘other’ be our ‘everything’ is a faulty assertion. Love is everything. And she defines love as “the foundation on which we build the house of our dreams.” “It’s a house with many rooms,” she says. “Relationships are part of the house, but they are not everything and never could be.”

Love is a force as real as gravity. And it leads us into the awareness that we are the source of all that we long for - we have the power to foster limitless creativity. This is the time for us to stand with and for each other. We’re all learners. And the learning begins in relationship to ourselves. For without self-love, we are not yet ready to know the love of others.

Magdalen Bowyer
MA, RPC, CEC is a Narrative Therapist & Creativity Coach who knows we make the world with the stories we tell.

Her work helps people create life affirming stories about themselves so they are empowered to re-shape the landscape of their living. These stories are not fantasies; they are real facets of identity, different versions of who we are. She works with women and men around the world while she enjoys a vibrant practice at Cross Roads Clinics in Vancouver, BC. She is currently writing an autoethnography titled ‘Grief & Desire: lies I’ve lived by’. She resides in Surrey, BC, with her husband and sons.

To learn more about Magdalen and what she offers, visit her website www.CrucibleCommunication.com

Here is an amazing enagement story that proves how love can conquer any amount of distance:

Jennifer & Paul
August 7, 2010

Paul and I met at the wedding of two friends. I was living in England and flew back to Canada for the wedding and he had flown to Ontario from Edmonton for the week. We started to talk at the wedding rehearsal about our travel experiences – both of us have traveled extensively and we both have a passion for outdoor adventures through our traveling. We each found that we couldn’t stop talking to each other during the evening despite the wedding festivities! The wedding came and went – I flew back to England the day after the wedding and Paul returned to Edmonton. No exchange of address had been made and I didn’t expect to ever see him again. However, I couldn’t get him off my mind! I even told one of my friends whilst recounting my trip to Canada that I had met a guy who I could marry, but likely will never see him again!

Three months later, I received an email from Paul – just hours before I was flying away for Christmas holidays traveling around Europe. I usually don’t check my emails over my holidays, but this time I couldn’t stop checking them! Paul mentioned that he had some holidays in February and he was interested in traveling around the UK. He asked if I could recommend any places that I had traveled. I also had holidays in February and within a week, Paul had booked a ticket to England and we were planning a hiking trip through Snowdonia National Park in Wales. Paul booked a beautiful country cottage and we spent each day exploring the mountains.

One evening we decided to explore an old castle, only to find it closed when we arrived. We walked around the outer grounds to the castle – admiring the views out to sea and the 12th century architecture of the village. Paul led me around the front of the castle; we seemed to be winding through walls and archways. All of the sudden, we realized that we were inside the castle! We had a castle to ourselves and could admire the sunset over the sea with a royal view! Paul and I continued our relationship, for a year, while being thousands of miles apart. We met up in Venice, Corsica, and Paris. A year since that initial adventure, I moved to Edmonton to start a life with Paul.

We regularly visit Jasper and stay at a small rustic cabin. One weekend, Paul and I set off for our weekend at the cabin and I noticed that we had been driving a lot longer than usual! We had actually passed the cabin and he had booked a weekend at Jasper Park Lodge saying he felt we needed to be spoiled for the weekend. The next day, we hiked up high over Maligne Lake. While admiring the views, Paul opened his pack and gave me a card. The card was from Wales. He had bought the card and written it during our first ‘date.’ Inside he wrote that he can’t wait for a lifetime of adventures. I looked up from the card to see Paul on one knee, asking me to marry him! We continue to look for adventure and are both so happy that after thinking we’d never see each other again after the wedding, we have found each other!